West Coast Again!

Well, my East Coast /West Coast life continues!

             
Thinking I was going to spend the winter months in North Carolina, I had already      accepted that I would not get to see the Pacific Ocean for a while.
                     But here I am. Wading in the surf wearing a sundress in December.

On the way, we stopped at Lake Havasu City, AZ in the desert to see the reconstructed bridge that used to be in London, relocated piece by piece and now standing in the middle of a desert.

I was thinking about the history of that bridge, the song I used to sing as a child while jumping rope, ("London bridge is falling down, my fair lady.."), and how strange that an American oil tycoon would buy a bridge that once spanned the  River Thames in England. So he could put it in a desert!

       Moonlight Beach
-sunshine, warm, salty air, gull and pelican sounds breaking silence, children squealing when feet touch the chilly water, food cooking scenting the air, waves crashing
-sleep on a sandy blanket.

Sadness on sadness

This is a very sad weekend for many families in Connecticut.
And for anyone who works with, loves, and has children.
How do you even begin the fathoming required to imagine such a tragic loss of life?
As a teacher of young children, I have been overwhelmed all weekend.
An ordinary day begun like so many others.
And then in an instant, everything changed.
Forever.
Caretakers and teachers are responsible for children.
Irreplaceable. Innocent. Children.
I have no answers for why this happened.
I have a greater understanding only that every moment
I have working, teaching, playing, and learning from children
is priceless.

December

“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
-Dr. Seuss

December is here and some days have a certain shade of blue to them. In the sky as well as within me. Time is a gazelle, swift and graceful. I reflect and wait. I will be heading back to the west coast for a few months, and the California sky will have its own shade of blue, not so wintry and friendlier.

This trip back will be different than years past. I am answering a call for help, so I will do my best to not to be easily distracted from the task at hand. It is an honor to be in a position of giving comfort-and humbles me.

Feeling a bit ill-equipped, but determined to give the best possible help, I know that I can't try to go in my own strength.  Psalm 18:32- "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." This, I can depend on as I head west. And so, in spite of my best efforts to settle down and find a more permanent home, I once again set out on my west coast-east coast journey. 

Wonder-ing

"It just ain't possible to explain some things. It's interesting to wonder on them and do some speculation, but the main thing is you just have to accept it-take it for what it is, and get on with your growing."
-Jim Dodge  

I wonder about a bunch of things , like man's inhumanity to man, like why are there so many questions without satisfying answers and why hard working people have to choose between food and heat and why people who don't lift a finger to support themselves have all they could desire as well as all they need. I wonder also about how fiber optics work and how it is possible to comprehend and communicate in several languages.

Today, my wondering came from an experience I had with my job hunting. I had a first interview earlier in the week, and was called back this morning for a "working interview".
Something that is common for teachers of young children. You go in and read a book or do an art project or whatever fits in with the little amount of information you get from the director about their expectations. It is mostly to determine a teacher's ability to interact with children. So, I went to the library. spent several hours choosing the perfect book, carefully chose what to wear, and went through rehearsals, got up early and showed up at the appointed time.

Fifteen minutes after I was supposed to be there, the director came in and had forgotten all about our appointment. She asked if we could reschedule for next week. OK, I said.

So what is this all about? It made me begin to wonder if I  should go back. Do I want to work somewhere that an employee's (or even a potential employee's) time is not respected? 

Anyway, I will "get on with my growing" and wonder about all that next week. 

It's beginning to look a lot...

I am a guest in my sister's home this winter. So, I had to be selective about what I brought with me. I have so much Christmas accumulation from many years of creating and gifting, so when I thought about what I really wanted for the holidays, I chose handmade gifts  from my children. Molly made this precious Nativity crayon drawing when she was six years old. She carefully poked holes in the sky with a tiny pin so that when it is put in a window, it looks like stars in the sky. It is one of my most prized possessions. One I would rescue from a burning house. So it is now in my guest room window for me to look at all  through this holiday season.

And then there is this Christmas poem written by Samuel  in second grade.
 It says:
 A Cinquain
Jesus  
Angels, God
Loving, Hugging, Praying
Like a Spirit Lover.

This too, irreplaceable, written in a child's scrawl with all the wisdom of a sage.










And then there is this simple message, also made by Sam, with his grandfather's help from hand sanded blocks of wood. Love its simplicity!











And finally, a wee Christmas Tree and Elf made of leather to complete my Christmas decor!

Having to pare down to the most basic, most important, most treasured has been lovely! I missed out on Black Friday and will bow out on Cyber Monday today. I will enjoy sewing a few simple gifts and focus instead on the real meaning of Christmas- one I think my children knew best and remind me perfectly in these small treasures!  

More Thankful

  

thank you God for this most amazing by E. E. Cummings

i thank You God for this most amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

November Gratitude Project

November is the month of Thanksgiving
It is a good time to be mindful of all there is to be thankful for.
And I do have so much to be thankful for. Really.
Even though I have been unemployed or underemployed for the past couple of years and though money is scarce, I am OK. Really.

I have enough to eat, I am warm enough, and I have wonderful people in my life that make me feel loved.

But there are times when I get discouraged and wonder how long before things turn around and I get that great job that is out there somewhere. The one that pays the bills.
The one where I get to laugh and be joyful-at least part of the day anyway.

Gratitude takes away that grumbling pensiveness and brings back my focus to what really matters.  With gratitude-for today and all of its wonderful possibilities! 

Halloween!

Halloween is here! The night where people get to look scary things in the eye and laugh! It is a night for fun, for dressing up and trick-or-treating, for dabbling on the dark side. And for candy. Lots of candy.


I had a friend who loved Halloween so very much because of the candy. It was her favourite holiday because there were no family obligations, she could be anyone she wanted AND have a bag of candy to eat from for weeks. When her parents told she was too old for trick-or-treating, she cried.


But to me, Halloween is all about embracing fear. We go out into the dark night in disguise. We are not fooling anyone. The ghouls and goblins and zombies are still there. But for this one night we are fearless. The Halloweens of my youth were filled with laughter and chocolate and silly (most often homemade) costumes, but the idea that we could tromp about in groups and ask strangers for candy was the opposite of all that "stranger-danger", never take candy from strangers stuff we had been force-fed all of our young lives.
Kids today are sheltered from the trick-or-treating my generation enjoyed. They go to Harvest Festivals and Fall Carnivals so that there are no drugs or razor blades in their candy. Even the "scary" rooms or rides at these carnivals are funnier than scary. When kids are allowed to trick-or-treat, it is usually only in a sheltered neighborhood, or kids are driven across town to show Grammy and Grampa the costumes. It is an end of an era. Some mean old ghouls spoiled the fun for this generation.

Still, it is a fun holiday and should be celebrated as the opportunity it is where children can face down the dark night in their new identities. All the while filling their mouths with sugar, chocolate, and laughter.

                                                      HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Helpless

   
"I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me. -CS Lewis

Hurricane Sandy is hammering the East Coast with strong winds and snow and flooding, causing power outages and death. It is a Tuesday morning and my two children are in Maine and New York City. I feel helpless in North Carolina-unable to do my best to keep them safe. Halloween is tomorrow and the new President of the United States will be chosen one week from today.I had a job interview today that didn't feel promising and all of this together makes me feel helpless. It is a strange way to end a month and to begin a new adventure.  

Discovery

There is clearing in the woods across the street from our house. Someone bought a narrow strip of land that had been on the market for a while and have begun cutting down trees so they can build a house. So we went for a walk to check out the progress and to introduce ourselves to the new neighbors.

    There was a glint of something shiny and we kept walking because the new neighbors weren't there. Amazingly, there is a lovely little body of water bigger than a small pond but smaller than a lake-only yards from our front door.

In all the time that we have lived in our house, we never knew it was there! It was quiet except for the birdsong and frog peeping, and lush with color!

 

“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries". A.A. Milne

So we went to tell our friends about our wonderful discovery. And this is their reply:

"Oh, that old beaver bog? What you never knew that was there? Why, it has been there for ages!"

Autumn Approaching

The light is different

Shadows take new shapes

Color is emerging slowly

                     Gardens are getting ready for slumber

Tomato plants laden and chairs hold the ones we will eat tonight

                 A cloud angel hovers over the house-
                                the only white in a clear blue sky.

Aging

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been."-- Madeleine L'Engle

A friend sent this photo and at first I didn't recognize myself. I instantly saw the wrinkles and the graying hair, the sagging neck, and sorrow behind the eyes. The me I want to be is younger and smoother and joyful.



Like how I looked when I graduated from high school (minus the braces on my teeth!)



 But that was 40 years ago!

 I recently attended my 40th high school reunion and realized that decades have passed and there is so much time unaccounted for! While I was living out my life, time was taking its toll.

I carry within me my first decade- my childhood surrounded by sisters and laughter and summers at the lake. Second decade- joy and sorrow and teenage goofiness. Decade three spent forming a family, trying to survive, making sense of my place, finding creativity, growing up. The fourth and fifth decades spent mostly exploring and re-positioning my ideals and longings. Now, as I quickly approach the sixth decade, age is trying to make its claim. Mostly, I try not to think about it. I try to do things that make me feel ageless, like swimming, working with children,  and dancing alone to the music of Van Morrison in my living room. But this photo unretouched by photo shop tells the real story. And it is really OK. Because with the passage of time has come experience, gain and loss, joy and sorrow, many precious friends and memories, and a life lived

 simply and authentically .       

Cracking

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

 

 

 

The light this summer has been amazing! With so many sunny days, the shadows and light have been entertaining me on a daily basis. I looked at this sidewalk and realized that the light was making each brick nearly glow. The summer is coming to a close and I can feel Autumn settling in. Things are shifting-decisions about the winter must be made soon. I never really know how (or where) things will play out. But, I know that I have made it safely through 58 winters. All my needs have been met more graciously , more often, and more surprisingly than I deserve. This winter will be no different-though tugs of uncertainty and new situations are making me a bit edgy and anxious. There is also a feeling of anticipation and resting.  What adventure awaits???

 

 

 

 

 

 

"If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give."-George MacDonald

 

 

Lately I have been thinking about the people in my life, how thankful I am for each of them, reading some of my old George MacDonald books, and finding joy in unexpected places.

It has been a different summer than last year, busier, and without as many opportunities to get alone and lost in my thoughts. But the precious moments I have had to find solitude, I am happy to send loving thoughts on to the friends who have made me laugh, listened patiently to my stories, fed me good food, and encouraged me when I was overwhelmed. Rather than just randomly say a silent prayer for their well-being, or to send out an all-inclusive thank you to friends who read this, i want to begin a new ritual. Beginning next week, I will "real mail" a card or letter to the friend who comes into my mind that day. It is a good way to let them know just how important their presence is in my life. It is not enough to just think the good thoughts, but as an act- a casting of the gift of loving thoughts. Thanks George, for the good advice!  

Canadian Getaway



The Lovely Inisfree-a Bed and Breakfast just short distance from Hopewell Rocks in the Bay of Fundy

 

Inisfree Bed & Breakfast garden shed


It was a spontaneous decision to drive for 6 hours to the Bay of Fundy in Canada this weekend. It is a magical place!
Hopewell Rocks "are located on the shores of the upper reaches of the Bay of Fundy at Hopewell Cape near Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada. Due to the extreme tidal range of the Bay of Fundy, the base of the formations are covered in water twice a day. However, it is possible to view the formations from ground level at low tide.
The formations consist of dark sedimentary conglomerate and sandstone rock. The large volume of water flowing in to and out of the Bay of Fundy modifies the landscape surrounding it. After the retreat of the glaciers in the region following the last ice age, surface water filtering through cracks in the cliff has eroded and separated the formations from the rest of the cliff face. Meanwhile, advancing and retreating tides and the associated waves have eroded the base of the rocks at a faster rate than the tops, resulting in their unusual shapes.
The vast sediment planes in the basin in Fundy support a variety of biological productivity. Various shorebirds are often seen flocking to nest and feed in the area. Visitors are advised to stay for a full tidal cycle to get a full appreciation of the tides and formations. Although the tides vary from day to day, the high tide can be as high as 16 metres (52 ft) giving The Hopewell Rocks one of the highest average tides in the world."


Hopewell Rocks-at low tide

 

The mud flats at Hopewell Rocks at low tide

Sleepy Sunday

Belfast, Maine on a sleepy Sunday.
 Perfect weather- warm, windy
and sky alive with billowy clouds.
Water salty and warm enough to wade
while looking for sea glass and heart-shaped rocks.
Salt air cleansing the lungs
and blue and green restoring my thoughts.
Gratefulness! 

Summer Song

I found this newspaper clipping in an old book I was planning to donate to the library book sale. I was amazed that newspapers printed stories about children at play. I remember the day well. It was a typical Maine summer day. There were no video games then, and it was a punishment to stay inside (TV was not an option!).

It was a time when it was still safe to roam the neighborhood and come up with our own entertainment from early morning until lunch, and then we were off again until dusk. I imagine a newspaper photographer driving around our sleepy suburb looking for a story about how people were enjoying the gorgeous day, or  maybe he or she was hoping for some real news to get the first scoop on. Anyway, I was happy to find the clipping because it is proof that I was lucky enough enough to have had the kind of childhood where singing with my sisters was news-worthy!

Swinging a Birch in Spring!

"I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more, But dipped its top and set me down again. That would be good both going and coming back. One could do worse than be a swinger of birches." - Robert Lee Frost- from 'Birches'.

If you have never "swung a birch", it is something to try at least once in your lifetime. In Spring, Maine birch trees are pliable and if you can figure out how to get up a fairly sturdy one, and can get up past the part where the tree begins to bend naturally, you can hold on, and then be gently brought back to Earth. It is probably like the way a parachute feels, though the closest I have ever gotten to that was on the parachute ride at Knott's Berry Farm. So I can't say for sure if the feeling of swinging a birch is the same as the feeling of floating in a parachute. What Robert Frost and I have in common is that we both have felt a birch tree gently bring us from sky to sod.

In my youth, I swung birches every Spring. It has been a long while since those carefree, barefoot days, but I remember the exhilaration well. Like I was Mary Poppins with my umbrella or something.

Seaside Solitude

Saturday was a day of much needed solitude. I spent the morning at the shore. Bird tracks spelled out a secret message.  

A lobsterman returned with his early morning's catch.

                                                            I sat quietly for a long time just listening

                                                          to the gulls and the waves and                          the sound of children laughing in the distance.

It was a pleasant surprise to discover that the early Spring water was not cold enough to numb my feet!

Lilacs!

" I opened the large central window of my office room to its full on the fine early May morning. Then I stood for a few moments, breathing in the soft, warm air that was charged with the scent of white lilacs below."
-Angus Wilson

It is time now for me to enjoy my lilacs!
Such a short, sweet time when they are in bloom, and this year with the crazy weather, I wasn't sure when they would be ready. But, alas! They were ready for cutting on Mother's Day! So, I woke up early and went out to check on them and it made me so happy to bring them in to my table. The scent of lilacs is like nothing else!   

I am a simple girl.
 Easy to make blissfully happy
 with a bouquet of lilacs!
 I smile at the very thought of them,
and wait for them to bloom like kids wait for Christmas!
 I remember one year I returned to
a summer beach cottage rental to find
vases filled with lilacs in every room!
The aroma was amazing!
It was the welcome home gift from my sister,
 and no trinket from Tiffanys
 would have brought
the same joy!  

Lake Thoughts

Water, thou hast no taste, no color, no odor; canst not be defined, art relished while ever
    mysterious. Not necessary to life, but rather life itself, thou fillest us with a
    gratification that exceeds the delight of the senses.
        -   Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is a remarkable thing to be able to walk to the lake whenever I want! 

I try not to take it for granted, and yet, I have only visited this lovely place a few times in the month or so 

since I have been home. 

I love the way the wind constantly changes the surface of the lake and that the shadows reveal 

patterns and hidden treasures just beneath the surface. The trees that take root so close to the shore,

 the stones made smooth by the constant moving. Buds form on the edge of the twigs, full of hope.

 I love the tangle and twist of the roots-the chaos is magnificant!  

Grateful Grandmother





Fourteen years ago today, this boy in the tree made me a grandmother. I was smitten with him the first time I saw him. He was one month old-aware, alert, waving his little fist in the air and sleeping with one eye open.

As a young child, he had a solid sense of self-sure of who he was. When a grandfather who, in frustration at glass breaking, called him an idiot, this toddler stood up to his grandfather, hands on hips and said clearly "I am not an idiot! I am just a little boy who made a mistake!" Whew! The repentant grandfather knew then that he was not dealing with an ordinary boy. 

This child, young boy, and now young man has faced obstacles that few other boys have. And yet, he is thoughtful, intelligent, and determined to always do his best. He is a loving older brother, a gentle son, and a precious grandson. I am grateful to be related to him, thankful for all that he has taught me, and today I wish him all good things in life!   

Day One

OK. So here goes. My first day of trying something new. I have been thinking of writing a children's book for a long time. I have had the idea for years and today I began the first draft of the story -and scribbled this as the idea for the kind of illustration I want. I want it to be abstract and loaded with color and movement. I am not sure I want to be the artist, but I want to find someone who gets the ideas and translates them the way I see them in my head. The format of the story will be prose/poetry-two or three lines for each drawing. I will let the book evolve through trial and error. But the basic premise and story is already clear in my head. Putting it on paper is harder than I thought it would be! Maybe that is why I have put this off for so long, but I want to work on it this month a little every day. It is exciting to finally take something that has been festering inside and watching it emerge-playfully and unexpectedly. The hard part will be to silence that inner critic that keeps telling me that I am no author or illustrator. It helps to know that Dr. Seuss was rejected many, many times before he was published. 

Patterns

"Life is a process of working out what's not working for you and disentangling yourself from it and trying then not walk into the same thing again. Watching your patterns and correcting them if you can." -Siobhan Fahey 

So... when I keep repeating the same mistakes and finding myself right back where I started, I have got to wonder just when I will learn my lessons! Sometimes I feel like I am in that movie Groundhog Day. Especially here in Maine, where life moves along at its own pace, and things stay the same for a long time.

I am caught in an inter-generational living situation that is from necessity and not choice. Because of the economy, I have had to make hard decisions about how and where I live. 

I have had to make accomodations for others also facing hard times.

And helping family members is what family is all about. But I guess I want it to be more temporary and not a long-term thing.

 Yes, everything is more expensive, and yes, it is harder to get and keep a good paying job these days. I know that is true, but I am working on breaking some patterns that have kept me in this unsettled place. I am learning to get rid of the excuses for not trying something new. I am exploring a wider range of options. I am curious about what it would take for me to make a career change at this point in my life. I am thinking about joining the Peace Corp. I am contemplating selling my house and moving to someplace new. I guess it is a typical response to mid-life to want to break old patterns and create something entirely new. The desire is there, and quite possibly the courage.    

The process of disentangling will be a good project for this beginning of May. My goal is to try one new thing each day this month. Something out of my comfort zone, something unusual, something unique.  

Cool Spring!



Lake view from the gazebo

 

Birch tree about to bloom against the cool blue sky

 Today the wind is blowing fiercely and the temperatures are in the 30s. When I arrived back home 2 weeks ago, the temperatures were in the 80s. Wait a minute! Isn't it supposed to be getting warmer as summer approaches?? Oh well, as they say here in Maine, "if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute." I think I just said that!

The gardens are slowly getting cleaned out, but the past few days have been too wintry to stay outside for long.  So many of the branches from the willow cover the yard, and I pick them up and fill the concrete slab and then take them to the dump or weave them into a wreath or cut them into mulch. And the next day I go out only to find hundreds more branches everywhere. I guess the old willow is also getting rid of excess. Like me.
I have been sorting and putting stuff in boxes for Goodwill since I have been home. I am looking forward to an errand day where I take a full box to Goodwill and a full trunk of branches to the dump. Until then, I put on the music I have missed all winter and dance around like snoopy when he gets his food.